Speed Dating - Incoming: Event 1

This past summer, I decided that I needed to try, because I had not done so yet, the speed-dating craze. I looked it up online, read testimonials to its success, saw like-minded individuals, attractive people, there was even a story from one of the morning shows that investigated the "craze" by sending a correspondent to give it a try...

So, I signed up for an "event" at an upscale bar downtown. The suggested age range was 25-35. I asked my cousin to sign up too, which she did, despite her own prior experiences with speed dating, which were not good (she left early that time). But she backed out the day of the event... and I simply decided to go ahead on my own.

I gave myself a bit too much time to get there, but when I arrived early, the place was already bustling with people. I walked in and looked for the event coordinator so I could check in. When I saw a tall, attractive young lady writing out name tags, I was confident that I had found her... so I said, "Are you in charge here?" She replied, "Oh, no, I was just writing out a name tag for my friend. Are you an incoming?" (Now I'm a little confused, I wouldn't have said, "incoming" maybe "first-timer" or "speed dating virgin" even...) I tried not to look too befuddled and said, "Yes". To which she replied, "Oh, great! I'm an outgoing." (Huh? - What does that mean, an outgoing speed-dater... did you meet someone? You've moved on? Getting married? Why are you here?) Now I started to think I had the wrong date or time for my speed-dating event... so I inquired, "Wait a minute. What event IS this?"

Turns out it was some alumni group gathering. I was disappointed, the people gathered there seemed nice and normal, but they weren't there for speed dating... of course they weren't. I checked the posted list of events by the hostess stand, and saw a list of about four events for that day, none of which were the speed dating. Hmmm. Okay, so now I have to ask, to put myself out there to the far-too-attractive-and-young-to-know-anything-about-speed-dating hostess, who, up until this point had obviously not been very helpful.

“Do you know where the speed dating is?” She simply raised her left arm, and pointed in that general direction… behind the socializing group of alumni… she chomped her gum, but said nothing. When I looked in the direction that her point indicated, I realized that I should have known. There sat one woman, alone at a table, with a list, and a stack of what turned out to be the speed-dating equivalent of bingo cards. I checked in, and was known from that point on as “Grace 408”. I was given my dating card, told to fill out a nametag and join the others who had already gathered at the far end of the bar.

The far end of the bar, not the cool end, where all the fun was being had, but the far end… where other speed-daters clamored for the bartenders attention without actually interacting with each other. Some, who already had drinks to sip, looked over the rims of the glasses hesitantly. I’m convinced that at least one potential speed-dater drank her beverage, and then left before the event really began.

As more people gathered, and the event start time came and went, and appetizers came out. Can you believe that one the chosen appetizers for this event was boneless buffalo wings? Really, a room full of singles who have never met each other, are about to have several one-on-one conversations, most of which will start with, “Hello” and “How are you?” and your going to serve us buffalo anything? That just seemed cruel.

Anyway, a short introduction to the process followed, and while I had come alone, I had already met someone before the dating even began… her name was Amanda… Amanda 312, actually. We had our pre-dating drinks together and even ate our appetizers together so as to avoid any awkward while eating conversations with any of the guys. I actually had to convince Amanda to stay. After we ate and were looking around at our prospects, she nearly ducked out. But somehow I managed to convince her to give the process a try, and if nothing else, she at least would have given it a full go.

So, the dates finally began. I looked at my “lucky” speed-dating card, and moved to my first table. I was met there by a fellow speed-dater, we converse for 8 minutes, a bell (like that you would use to call a bell-boy) is rung, and everyone moves on to his or her next table. The evening continues, this happens four times, at which point we are given a “break” where we are encouraged to mingle with daters we haven’t met yet. Then the process continues. (I KNOW some girls left at the break.) We have 8 dates in total when the night is done. Of those dates I had; one high-on-himself history teacher, one awkward and simply unfortunate-looking computer engineer, one fellow who had trouble looking me in the eye, but did profess his high level of mathematics skills, and the rest, oddly enough were nice (but not attractive to me) Asian men. I am a relatively tall and not of a petite build. Most of these guys were shorter than myself, and all of them had slighter builds than I am used to in my dates. (I have this problem. I hate to feel like a big girl. I’m not, not really, but when paired with a guy with a slight build, I FEEL huge. Plus, I like to wear heels.) A few of these guys, while certainly the most interesting conversationalists of the night, were guys I could hang out with, but not ones I would see as romantic interests.

It wasn’t a torturous night, but it was not productive. So far, speed-dating for my romantic life, was a bust. But that was just one event, they can’t all be like that. Right?

Side Bar - Dating at Work

In my chosen field of education, the gender split is not 50/50. Men are few and far between in general, nevermind, any attractive, & available ones. I understand why people say that one should not date people at work, possible awkward moments afterward, etc...but I also know that people still do it... all the time. In fact just this year, my workplace actually celebrated the first couple created by the workplace's new setting. We had a staff meeting, cheered & clapped, and then admired the engagement ring, and shook the guy's hand... workplace romances... to be avoided or celebrated? I guess that depends how it ends, or where it goes.

When I first got into the field of education, (we're talking 2002) I did find myself interested in a young man, who was in turn interested in me... and we had, shall we say, a very good spring into summer. For me, it was a great foray into the previously unexplored adult dating world, post my college boyfriend. I had never really "dated" anyone before (see: serial monogamist posting), and this was fun, convenient, and did I mention fun?

Ah, but then we had to go back to work... and there was a new girl on the scene... he fancied her, and I was forgotten. Well, maybe not forgotten, but - at the ripe old age of 24, I had been tossed aside for a newer, bustier, model. He thought I'd be upset and heartbroken, frankly, I was even a little surprised that I wasn't... but hey, wow.... I wasn't. He is now engaged. Of course. (fyi - to someone completely not related to work)

Flash forward to last spring. There was a new guy on the scene. Technically, we work in the same larger institution, but not together-together. (This semi-distance allowed me to justify the work-relationship turned personal in my older, clearly, more rational head.) We first got to know each other a little better "off-campus", and started to date, or see each other, or whatever, it didn't really last long enough to get an official label. I should have known something was up when we always went to his place, he never came to mine... but he did call me practically every day... it was odd, at least to me. Anyway, he broke things off, after I returned from a trip to Europe... after the trip, as in, the day after. I really could have used my time better in Europe had I known I had nothing to be concerned about at home... bad timing on his part. At least he spoke to me about it, said he wasn't feeling that "spark"... I couldn't argue. I wasn't feeling it either, not really, but I usually give my self more than a month and a half to get there, he, apparently does not.

Flash forward again... to this week. I was at an all day training, where I found myself, at one point in time, standing directly in between work guy A and work guy B. I was in a virtual work whore sandwich. Luckily, my indiscretions are not widely known, and neither situation is the expected awkward one that is typical after such relations (or so I hear). But I did chuckle to myself, that although there were only 12 people present out of possible hundreds in our workplaces, that we three were part of the self-selected trainees... and we were standing directly in line with one another... I giggled on the inside... and vowed to not make it possible to ever be surrounded on three sides by my personal belt-notches.

But there is this one guy at work...

Match.com - Rounds 1 & 2

To be honest, I'm not sure I remember when exactly I started my first round of Match.com-ing. I know that each time, now numbered at three..., I have hoped for better results than the last... and it simply has not worked out that way. Each time I have gotten my membership's worth of dinners or drinks or both, but not much more.

I blamed the poor results the first time around on my own not being ready to really "get out there" but rather, just to see who's out there. Turns out, that's very close to today's Match.com slogan, "It's okay to look." And it was... okay... not great, not exhilarating... simply okay. I can't really even recall that many dates from Round 1. I remember emails, creepy emails, invitations to meet in the back of movie theaters, I'm not kidding. Emails from guys that CLEARLY did not care what my "what I'm looking for" criteria were, I was 25 - fit, looking for single guys, never been married, with height and fitness ranges... I was getting emails from shall we say, a more "mature" set, it was very unnerving for my single self.

I would email guys that struck my fancy, guys that seemed to suit my likes and who neatly fit onto my not so subconscious check-list... and they would not respond. It was a real downer in general for the ego. So, I decided to see what came my way instead, and when I just let things come to me, I started responding to the "well, maybe he's better in person" type profiles. He never was, not once. They were always better in their profiles.... every time.

Rick's Cafe was the site of my first Match.com date. It was one of those times when you meet someone that you don't know and you see them, and you wish you could simply keep walking, but then you realize that they've recognized you, and then you're stuck, on the hook for the night. The poor guy. His picture actually did him too much justice, I'd never seen anything like it. And in the photo online he wasn't that great, I was hoping he was not photogenic. In person, he truly had a chimpanzee quality, very large ears, a mouth that stuck out beyond the point that it should, and a very high forehead. I have no doubt that he was intelligent; intelligent in that, "I know a lot about how to fix your Internet connection or your flux capacitor but nothing about how to fix a lull in a conversation," kind of way. And that's how the conversation went, it was rough for me. But, it was the first time I tried fried ice cream. Turns out, that wasn't so great either.

I never really tried any date diversion techniques; the "emergency" call from a friend, the bathroom duck and dodge, the "sick" feeling. I've generally stuck things through, goodness knows why. The endings were always so awkward. The half hug, butt out, with the friendly three tap on the back... and the "okay, so thanks... take care."

There was another date during this time, who I clearly did not give my full attention. We went to a billiards/bar venue, a good idea for a first date, but I remember the text messages I was getting from another guy (a soon to be BF) during the whole date, and not that much about the date itself. That said, in Round 3 of my Match.com-ing... this guy came around again, send an electronic "wink" as you now can. I ignored it. Then he emailed... and emailed again. Finally, I responded to remind hi that we had actually gone on a date before and that "it didn't click then and would likely not now"... apparently, he didn't recall the date at all. He asked where we had gone on our date, which I didn't answer back to... really, do you want me to rehash the whole thing, obviously if you don't recall, it wasn't good for you either. Good luck, buddy.

I had a short stint on Match.com (Round 2) while I was broken up with a BF, before we got back together, which was before we broken up again... obviously. Yeah, I'm not proud of all that. Anyway, it was rather short, I experienced the same issue with not having responses to my interests, but getting emails and now "winks" from guys that were "okay" on the check-list, which at this point was much more open than it was at age 25. I did have a decent date with a great guy, but the super spark wasn't overwhelming, so he didn't call. I wouldn't gone out again with him...oh well. That's the way it works. I think that one of the problems with Match is that the pool of availability must seem so endless, even after a good date, why wouldn't you want to keep looking, just in case the next best thing just arrived in your inbox? After every mediocre
date I went on, I logged on to Match... just to look. So, therein lay the problem, unless you have that immediate "this is the one" feeling... which I'm seriously convinced I'm not capable of having... you're going to want to know what your other options are.

I blame that phenomenon for a failed Match.com dating experience I had with a nice guy in a nearby city during this time (Round 2) that didn't work out... one date (about 3 dates in) he gave me burned CDs of a band we had seen while out on Date #2... then next thing I know... he falls off the face of the earth.

That guy had been the one that made it through what I liked to refer to as my personal screening service. I forwarded emails from Match.com guys to my sister and then she would read them, or even log in as me to see the guys' profiles, and the give me feedback. It worked out great, I was very busy, finishing grad school, writing a thesis, working, etc... and frankly, someone needed to get a kick out of some of these guys! She and I got quite a few shared laughs out of that Round!

Round 2 was ended because of my getting back together with the ex. I gifted the rest of my membership to a friend since I was convinced that this time things were going to work and I certainly didn't need it, and someone should be able to benefit from the months I had already paid for because they automatically renew your membership unless you tell them not to. I wrote a very angry email to Match.com about this. By having an automatic renewal policy, it seems to me that they are practically saying,"hey, we don't expect you to find someone in a reasonable amount of time, so we're just going to assume you'll need to keep looking."

Getting rich off the lonely, there are worse business practices out there, I suppose. After all that, I went back for Round 3, so really, who is at fault?

Serial Monogamist - Cured

Understand that I grew up in the same town my parents did, that they grew up around the corner from each other, that they dated starting at the age of 13, went steady (more or less, depending on whose version is being told) until they got married at the mature ages of 20 and 21. They are still together, happily empty-nesting and being young grandparents - thanks to my sister and her husband. (I can't tell you how nice it is not to have that pressure on my shoulders, thanks, Big Sis!)

With these two playing the parts of the most important role model of a loving relationship in my life, it leaves me looking for the same... or at least it used to. Since I know I'm not going to marry my high school sweetheart, my goal now is just to find the right guy... through whatever connection, method, medium it comes... and I plan to explore them all.

I think I started, like most people, to "go out" when I was in 6th grade. In fact, I know I did. I remember his name, Mark. In fact, he and I never technically broke up. He just moved away. Back then, when a kid moved one town over, you couldn't keep IMing him, or texting & calling his cell phone... back then, that meant he was far, far, away. Which is why I was so surprised when I ran into him at a local bar a couple years back. I actually told him we had never broken up back then... his response, "So, have you been cheating on me?". Yes, Mark. Yes, I have.

Mark moved, and I moved on, mostly crushed and a few "going out"s that mostly consisted of lots of long phone calls. (You hang up, no you hang up...) I didn't get "serious" until I met my high school boyfriend with whom I spent 3 years. That's a lifetime in high school, heck, that's a life time in Hollywood. He and I are still friends. We broke up because we went on to college and we both knew it would be too hard to keep it together from such a distance... I went off to school thinking I would actually date guys while I was in school, wouldn't that be a new and different experience?... except, I didn't. Instead, I met my college boyfriend, at orientation weekend. We were platonic, (which was my new favorite word that summer before starting school). That lasted until about mid-September. Then he became my other half, & I became his for the next five and a half years...

So, you see, serial monogamy took up a good deal of my dating years. I guess maybe that's why my dating years have officially been extended beyond many of those of my friends.

I like to think that I've been cured of my serial monogamy. I have had related afflictions here and there, but nothing as drastic as those years gone by. I have since suffered from Relationship-Roller Coaster Syndrome, one acute case (the bartender), and one more mild, but longer term. I am happy to report that after the long term relationships, I have in fact actually dated, first dates, second dates, even dated more than one guy at a time... I generally had a good time exploring the dating scene. Making up for lost time perhaps? But, there's no doubt, I'm not interested in dating the wrong guy for too long, not anymore... I'm cured, but I'm weary of a relapse.

The Bar Scene Bonus

I guess we've all been there... I feel like I've spent less time there than most. I never did bars in college. I actually studied, oh, and I had a boyfriend in college - all through college, and then some. I remember my first time getting served while underage, it wasn't even in a bar. My boyfriend and I went out to a nearby Chinese restaurant, and I ordered an illegal glass of wine... just one... who does that? Me, apparently. Not shocking to those that know me. I'm not the girl at the bar who forgets who she met or kissed... though I've had times when I've thought, "I wonder if he's this cute when I'm not drinking." But that's mostly when I've been on vacation with friends... I like to call that "Vacation Grace". Vacation Grace had a nice little run, post-college, pre-turning 30... haven't seen much of her lately.

So, right, the bar scene. It serves a purpose... just not really my purpose right now. I've met a few really nice guys out in bars. I have an ex who is a bartender... great friend, bad boyfriend... (amazing bartender!) and I met this fantastic guy in a bar several years ago... who is honestly one of my best guy friends... we've never kissed, but we wouldn't pass the "When Harry Met Sally" Test. Then there's the long, sorted tale of the guy I met in a bar while on vacation, who happened to be from my local city. That chance encounter turned into a long-term, on & off relationship. This was my most recent, & most painful... I wish I had just pulled it away quickly like a band-aid. Instead it felt more like a slow bleeding.

Then there are the bar nights that are simply pick-me-ups... both emotional and well, physical. Furtive glances, the eye contact locks... all the stuff that the VH1's Pick-Up Artist teaches his students about... girls love that stuff. Nowadays, when I'm out at a bar with friends, my openness to men approaching depends on 3 things:
1) Who am I with? If I'm with my married or otherwise attached friends... it's more likely that I'm there for their company, not watching the scene. If I'm with my unattached friends (usually my younger set of friends - more on that later) then yes, I'm up for some conversation and flirtation.
2) Is the man attractive? Let's face it, no matter what, if I'm not feeling it... I don't want to have a conversation with it when I'm out with my friends.
3) What mood am I in? There's no telling on this one, and truthfully, a good conversation can turn this around... the emotional pick-up, leading to the physical pick-up...

Most of the time, especially now, bars are where I go to get a good martini, a nice glass of wine, and maybe listen to some fun live music or dance to a good dj. (Good dj to me is stuff I know, not house or techno.)

The last time I went out with friends who were clearly looking to hook-up, I became a wing woman. That worked out fine, as everyone felt really young. That is, aside from the one and only interesting conversation I had all night... with one guy's father. He was probably my dad's age. But, hey, he was interesting, not attractive... interesting.

I'm going out tonight, for fun and friends, and hopefully to dance to a cool hard rock cover band. I'm hoping for a good time with friends, anything else is a bonus.

Why are you still single?

I've got news. I hate this question. Please don't ask it. My standard, polite, for people I think are trying to be genuine, answer: "I simply haven't found the right guy for me yet." My pissy, for-pete's-sake-this-question-again answer... "If I knew that, I guess I wouldn't be." or "It's my choice to be single right now, because I'd rather be single and available for a good relationship than feeling stuck in something I don't think works."

I think that it is intended to be a compliment. It's like saying, "wow, I see how great you are, why hasn't anyone snatched you up yet?".... but what it doesn't do is take into consideration the fact that those out there who are looking to do the snatching... well, they simply don't seem to be falling into categories that make me put out my "welcome snatchers" mat.

I have ideas, some would say standards, or at least expectations, of what I want, like, and deserve out of being one half of a couple. What I've found out there in the big bad world of being actively single is that generally, it's going to be hard to find the someone who has the same ideas about that... oh, and who I also find attractive... that's pretty important too.

I'm still single because he's still out there. Or, I'm still single because I'm destined to be the single crazy aunt who fills her life with other things because I don't want a cat. My feeling on which one applies varies by the day, sometimes by the hour. Today, he's still out there.

What I hope to give you here, is just a little about me, and some amusing stories that cover my trials and tribulations in regards to being an active single... from bar scenes to various single communities... see, you didn't even know there were various single communities did you? Well, there are, and I've been there.... and so far, it's pretty hysterical.